THE NEW 2008 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK

      by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

      SICK DAYS   We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
      sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
      to work.


      PERSONAL DAYS   Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
      They are called Saturday & Sunday.
      LUNCH BREAK   Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to
      eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15
      minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average
      figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
      time needed to drink a Slim Fast.


      DRESS CODE   It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
      your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying
      a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and
      therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to
      learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes,
      and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you
      are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


      BEREAVEMENT LEAVE   This is no excuse for missing work. There is
      nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every
      effort should be made to have no employees attend to the
      arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary
      funeral should be schedule in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
      allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that
      much earlier.


      RESTROOM USE   Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
      There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end
      of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
      retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After
      your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
      bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders."


      Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide
      a positive employment experience.
      THE GOVERNATER